NBC and I Are Breaking Up

I super love TV. Probably way too much. Friends sometimes ask me why I watch so much TV. Because TV is funny, informative and gives me something to have going on in the background. If you think you are better than someone who watches TV, I guarantee I've learned shit on TV that you never knew. So step off.

Ever since I watched TV as a child, I can remember that NBC was a station that rarely did me wrong. I watched Fraiser and Wings and Friends and Mad About You and I'm sure several other shows I've forgotten, but were good in their heyday. But recently, NBC has been letting me down. I don't remember when it started, but they've been throwing slews of shit at us for a while now. Even their good shows have started to lose quality. I'm sorry to say it but The Office is starting down a slippery slope of obscurity. Very rarely are any of their new shows any good, but they had a hit with 2 new shows in the last 2 years: Parks & Rec and Community. I genuinely look forward to my Thursday night block of Community, Parks & Rec, The Office and 30 Rock. I sometimes just sit through the Office like it's the Brussels sprouts that I have to finish in order to have my dessert. But the other 3 shows, usually gold. So today when I found out NBC has decided to scale back Parks & Rec to a midseason show, which means it will only have 13 episodes, not a full 24, I got confused and wondered why they would do this.

I decided to read up on their new fall schedule. I am beyond disappointed. Allow me to present to you my "favorites" from their new fall lineup. I will present them with the NBC website synopsis, followed by my take on them. All writing in italics is not mine and belongs to NBC and all it's glory.

Monday Nights- Chase: U.S. Marshals Annie Frost likes to stay one step ahead of the outlaws. As far as this cowboy boot-wearing girl is concerned, they can run, but they can't hide from her forever. Annie has a sharp mind, a big heart, and an attitude to match. Throw in a unique perspective and personal style, and she is the reason you don't mess with Texas.

Image from NBC.com

NO NBC. NO. You cannot make a show about US Marshalls. That market is FULL thanks to the AWESOMENESS of Justified:

Image from fxnetworks.com

Raylan Givens is a SHITLOAD cooler than Annie Frost. Just look at her name. ANNIE FROST. That is not the name of a US Marshall. That's the name of someone on CandyLand! Meanwhile, Raylan Givens, that is name that commands respect. Read that synopsis again for NBC's Lady Marshall show. STUPID. Stupid. If you go to the site, you will see a trailer for the show. In it, they basically show the entire pilot in 3 minutes, which includes THE ENDING. So you don't even need to watch the show to see that she catches the guy after he shaves his head and she slips in and out of her "Texan" accent. Ridiculous. You don't even look good in your promo picture. Raylan looks badass. You look silly. You are like the Danica Patrick of US Marshalls. Useless and only a novelty because you're a lady. Raylan has a tie.You have bare midriff. See, you lose because you are only an object. Also, I will be willing to bet you won't have anyone as badass as Boyd Crowder, AKA the best bad guy/nemesis in TV ever. Justified wins on every level.

Tuesday and Wednesday I don't watch NBC anyway, so I'm not offended by them.

Thursday- Outsourced: Mid America Novelties sells products like whoopee cushions, foam fingers, and wallets made of bacon. Yes, this is the stuff upon which the American way of life is built, but try explaining that to someone who lives on the other side of the world. Well, that's exactly what Todd Donovan must do when he's sent to run the company's call center in India. Talk about culture shock, and not just for Todd's employees. While Todd has to teach them how to make the up-sell to the Deluxe Twin Beer Helmet, he's going to have to adapt as well. Like in a country where cows are sacred, perhaps you don't order a double cheeseburger. Wish him luck. Or as they say in India, Saubhagya.

Image from NBC.com

Again.. NO. NO NBC. What in the world were you thinking when you green-lit this show? "Hey, you know what's not a touchy subject in America right now? Job loss! Everyone has a job! So let's make a show about people overseas taking jobs that Americans could do! Oh don't worry execs, I know what you're thinking. Which country overseas? I hope it's one that people enjoy. That's where you're in luck! It's in INDIA!!! Where everyone is named Tom, Dick, Mary and Jane! What luck right?!?! You know what would be better? Supplanting a show about American small town government with this show! YAY US!"

I cannot stand calling customer service on anything because 9/10 times, I will have to talk to someone in India. They are never helpful. All they do is make me more frustrated due to their inadequate grasp of my language and their constantly calling me ma'am. This is the worst idea for a show ever. EVER.

So this is why NBC and I are breaking up. Go away forever until you get smart again NBC. I will pirate your shows that I enjoy from the internet instead.

Raylan Givens rules.