BOYFRIEND IS HOME!

Good news! Boyfriend is home! YAY! Excited!! Zamo is really happy.

Bad news. He forgot my present!!! BOO! Sad.



More later, we are going car shopping soonish.

Boyfriend Comes Home in 12 Hours!

He says he super misses me. Who can blame him?! Now I just need to make myself look pretty like I do in his mind. I'm pretty sure it's not like I do above. Not hot Kallie.

I told him that I miss him and the fact that he keeps me on my toes all the time and since he's been gone, my toes have been firmly planted. That's pretty fucking romantic right?

I think so too.

NBC and I Are Breaking Up

I super love TV. Probably way too much. Friends sometimes ask me why I watch so much TV. Because TV is funny, informative and gives me something to have going on in the background. If you think you are better than someone who watches TV, I guarantee I've learned shit on TV that you never knew. So step off.

Ever since I watched TV as a child, I can remember that NBC was a station that rarely did me wrong. I watched Fraiser and Wings and Friends and Mad About You and I'm sure several other shows I've forgotten, but were good in their heyday. But recently, NBC has been letting me down. I don't remember when it started, but they've been throwing slews of shit at us for a while now. Even their good shows have started to lose quality. I'm sorry to say it but The Office is starting down a slippery slope of obscurity. Very rarely are any of their new shows any good, but they had a hit with 2 new shows in the last 2 years: Parks & Rec and Community. I genuinely look forward to my Thursday night block of Community, Parks & Rec, The Office and 30 Rock. I sometimes just sit through the Office like it's the Brussels sprouts that I have to finish in order to have my dessert. But the other 3 shows, usually gold. So today when I found out NBC has decided to scale back Parks & Rec to a midseason show, which means it will only have 13 episodes, not a full 24, I got confused and wondered why they would do this.

I decided to read up on their new fall schedule. I am beyond disappointed. Allow me to present to you my "favorites" from their new fall lineup. I will present them with the NBC website synopsis, followed by my take on them. All writing in italics is not mine and belongs to NBC and all it's glory.

Monday Nights- Chase: U.S. Marshals Annie Frost likes to stay one step ahead of the outlaws. As far as this cowboy boot-wearing girl is concerned, they can run, but they can't hide from her forever. Annie has a sharp mind, a big heart, and an attitude to match. Throw in a unique perspective and personal style, and she is the reason you don't mess with Texas.

Image from NBC.com

NO NBC. NO. You cannot make a show about US Marshalls. That market is FULL thanks to the AWESOMENESS of Justified:

Image from fxnetworks.com

Raylan Givens is a SHITLOAD cooler than Annie Frost. Just look at her name. ANNIE FROST. That is not the name of a US Marshall. That's the name of someone on CandyLand! Meanwhile, Raylan Givens, that is name that commands respect. Read that synopsis again for NBC's Lady Marshall show. STUPID. Stupid. If you go to the site, you will see a trailer for the show. In it, they basically show the entire pilot in 3 minutes, which includes THE ENDING. So you don't even need to watch the show to see that she catches the guy after he shaves his head and she slips in and out of her "Texan" accent. Ridiculous. You don't even look good in your promo picture. Raylan looks badass. You look silly. You are like the Danica Patrick of US Marshalls. Useless and only a novelty because you're a lady. Raylan has a tie.You have bare midriff. See, you lose because you are only an object. Also, I will be willing to bet you won't have anyone as badass as Boyd Crowder, AKA the best bad guy/nemesis in TV ever. Justified wins on every level.

Tuesday and Wednesday I don't watch NBC anyway, so I'm not offended by them.

Thursday- Outsourced: Mid America Novelties sells products like whoopee cushions, foam fingers, and wallets made of bacon. Yes, this is the stuff upon which the American way of life is built, but try explaining that to someone who lives on the other side of the world. Well, that's exactly what Todd Donovan must do when he's sent to run the company's call center in India. Talk about culture shock, and not just for Todd's employees. While Todd has to teach them how to make the up-sell to the Deluxe Twin Beer Helmet, he's going to have to adapt as well. Like in a country where cows are sacred, perhaps you don't order a double cheeseburger. Wish him luck. Or as they say in India, Saubhagya.

Image from NBC.com

Again.. NO. NO NBC. What in the world were you thinking when you green-lit this show? "Hey, you know what's not a touchy subject in America right now? Job loss! Everyone has a job! So let's make a show about people overseas taking jobs that Americans could do! Oh don't worry execs, I know what you're thinking. Which country overseas? I hope it's one that people enjoy. That's where you're in luck! It's in INDIA!!! Where everyone is named Tom, Dick, Mary and Jane! What luck right?!?! You know what would be better? Supplanting a show about American small town government with this show! YAY US!"

I cannot stand calling customer service on anything because 9/10 times, I will have to talk to someone in India. They are never helpful. All they do is make me more frustrated due to their inadequate grasp of my language and their constantly calling me ma'am. This is the worst idea for a show ever. EVER.

So this is why NBC and I are breaking up. Go away forever until you get smart again NBC. I will pirate your shows that I enjoy from the internet instead.

Raylan Givens rules.

Zamo Has Abandonment Issues

Allow me to formally introduce my sweet innocent baby son.

His name is Zamo and he is a cat. It may be hard to tell since he's wearing his Avatar 3D glasses, but he's really a cat. I'm not one of those crazies that thinks my cat is my kid, but I am in my late early 20's and so he's the closest I want to come to a kid for a while. So for that fact, he's my son.

He wandered into my life 2 years ago on a day when I was having a semi-mental breakdown and he was just like this little angel that came out of the bushes and into my heart. I had no choice but to start feeding him and then I decided that he was a sweet little thing, so I would keep him. A vet check later, he was MINE.


That was in June of '08 and I never left home for more than a workday for quite sometime after that and Zamo was an angel. Then October came and it was my birthday. So I decided to go back home and visit my mom and friends back at home for the weekend. I left Boyfriend in charge of Zamo and felt insanely guilty for leaving my little kitty alone, but not really alone, but without me.

The weekend away was going well so far, but I was still missing the little dude, so I called Boyfriend to see how things were going. He assured me things were going well. So I continued on my weekend. Later that night I got a text that said "Zamo misses you." I said AWWH CUTE! And then I got a picture message back with a picture of what appeared to be my room, except it was covered in toilet paper, like some kids had TP'd my room. Confused, I texted Boyfriend WTF? and he said that Zamo had done that. It was still semi cute, even tho a brand new roll of toilet paper, which is something of a commodity for poor person like I was, and now it was strewn about my room.

Since then, whenever Zamo feels like he's not getting enough attention, he attacks toilet paper. If Boyfriend and I don't get up right away in the morning, the first thing I hear is the sound of ripping fabric. Now that Boyfriend is in Washington DC, Zamo apparently feels neglected. Even tho he is MINE, he prefers Boyfriend sometimes. Boyfriend doesn't have to go to work until noon, so he and Zamo snuggle in bed and laze about all morning and they enjoy it. So tonight when I was getting ready for bed, I noticed that my bathroom now looked like this:


COMPLETELY destroyed. Here's a video of how he does this...

Please note that although it looks like he's waiting for a command, I am nowhere near intelligent enough to teach my cat tricks, let alone to perform them on command. This was just really great timing with the BlackBerry camera in my old place's bathroom.

So instead of going to bed when I was planning on going to bed, I've stayed up an extra hour watching Burn After Reading and trying to gather my thoughts on how to present the Z-man to you. But he loves to stay up and watch TV too:

The Adventures of Boyfriend

As you may remember, Boyfriend is on a vacation from the crazy (me) on the East Coast, which leaves me and the Little One to fend for ourselves. Thankfully, we seem to be managing. We don't have to cook big dinners for us all this week, so we eat Special K for dinner. He very much loves to share with me:


Mmmmm Special Kitty. This is the only thing he will come and steal from you if you are eating it. Everything else he ignores for the most part, but Special K he goes bananas for. We've also been enjoying the giantness of the bed, as I've migrated to the middle and he now snuggles up on either side of me right next to my face, not just my feet like normal. So while we miss Boyfriend, we're enjoying the small freedoms.

Speaking of Boyfriend, he sent me some pictures of his trip around the city today, which of course I feel obligated to share with you. I don't know what he was doing while at these places, just that he was here. So they are presented without comment:


The train station for the trip into DC. I'm pretty sure Richard Petty photobombed this one. (far left)


The Washington Monument. Those clouds look super ominous. Like Independence Day clouds or something. Pretty sure aliens are looking to attack...



But just when the aliens were gonna attack, Lincoln showed up and was like NOT ON MY WATCH and just sat down and they backed off. His awesomeness is resounding. Also, I'm apparently incapable at presenting things without comment, since I made up a damn story about aliens and Lincoln. I'm sorry for lying.


Then a little later I think Boyfriend went to a museum, which I think because as you will see in the picture, he's standing by what can only be a giant dinosaur egg with a DO NOT TOUCH sign in front of it. Those mostly only live in museums. Anyway, he went to a probably museum and bought me a PRESENT! YAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I do love presents! I do not love riddles tho. And of course, he had to present the present with a riddle. I tried guessing but I was wrong.

Here is the present:


And here is what he sent along with it:

"What is in this box is said to protect you."

Here is what I guessed:

"Tampons?"

Here is what I guessed immediately after I sent the first guess:

"Ancient Egyptian condoms?"

Here is what he said back:

"No, it is an Egyptian said to protect YOU so I got it for you."

So now I have no idea what it is. I bet it's probably a tiny ancient Egyptian who is like one of those Grow-A-Dino sponges but is really a real mummy and so when I grow him he will become a real BIG mummy and he'll totally have my back. Jealous?

I really hope it's a Grow-A-Mummy. Best present ever.

I'M IN A GLASS CASE OF EMOTION!!!!!

Ok not really. But today is a day of sads.

First- Boyfriend left to the East Coast this morning. He needs a break from the crazy go-go-go life of California. He went to visit his mom in our fair nation's capital, so he's going to get a full dose of history for the next week. I'm excited for and jealous of him. But I'm also sad because I don't get to see him for a week. Don't get me wrong, it will be nice not to have to clean up every inch of the house he touches for a week, (because Boyfriend is not a cleaner), but it will be sad to sleep in the big bed alone. Here is a dramatic representation of my dire bedroom loneliness.


Actually that might be the moment I realized I could stretch out like I was being drawn and quartered (thanks Tudors for teaching me that) and have the WHOLE bed all to myself. Then I fell asleep again because waking up at 6:45 AM to go to the airport blows. *Awkwardly good timing- Boyfriend just BBM'd me to tell me he's on the ground. I'm assuming that means he's landed and is not in the midst of a brawl.*

Second- LOST ends tonight. This is good and bad because for one, I will FINALLY know all the answers! Bad because LOST will be over :( I love LOST. I didn't start watching it when it first came on, but I got caught up quickly. My sophomore year of college, my roommate was a huge LOST fan and was watching the second season premiere while I was getting ready to go to Pref. I was listening and it sounded interesting, plus the rest of the world was talking about how awesome it was, so I decided to see what the fuss was about.

The next day at work I went to ABC.com and read the entire synopsis of the first episode. (Yes, I'm extremely productive at work) Just reading about the episode made me excited to watch it, so I went to Target that night and bought the first season on DVD. I was excited to watch it, but seeing as how I was in college, it was Thursday night and that meant it was time to go out. The next morning I woke up with a fat lip, which I learned I got when I was leaning out a window shouting at people and my arms buckled, sending my face plummeting into the window sill. Thank God for tequila because otherwise I'm sure I would have felt it. Looking like I had lost a fight, badly, I took a picture of my face and sent it to my coworker/supervisor at the office, who told me to stay home from work that day. Since I also didn't have class that day, I suddenly had a full day of watching LOST with a bag of frozen peas and carrots on my face ahead of me!

I don't think I moved much from the couch, as uncomfortable as it was, for 24 hours, since there were 24 episodes in the first season. I was HOOKED. Ever since then, I've watched every episode, even the crappy ones in the 3rd season, so I'm very much looking forward to finding out how it all ends later tonight. I do still love LOST, but I am finding myself much more involved with True Blood these days. Which is all for the best I suppose, seeing as how LOST is ending and True Blood is relatively new. That's me as Mary Ann Forrester for Halloween in the profile picture hee hee!

So, with Boyfriend gone and LOST ending, it's definitely a saddish day in the LOK. Melodramatically sad that is. We'll go over LOST later and we'll see how my intended clean up around the house goes with no progress impediment from Boyfriend ;)

The Name &The Sword

For the last 24 years of my life, I have been reminded that my name is not the most normal of names. Especially since the invention of Starbucks. I've gotten coffees for Cali, Kelly, Keallie, Kathy, etc. Once at Chili's I got my takeout order for KALLZ. No I'm serious, look...

So yes world, I get it. I have a weird name. Blame my mom. Seriously.

Short story of where my name came from- it's Swedish for Donald Duck. Longish story- Mom was reading Sports Illustrated in the summer of '85 and saw a story about Swedish tennis player, Bjorn Borg. It mentioned how the kids under 12 were staying at a camp named after the camp sponsor, Kalle Anka, which means Donald Duck comic books. I guess Mom decided I was going to not only become a boy, but a Swedish tennis prodigy boy at that, so she decided to name me after the sponsor. Or maybe she just thought I would spend my life babbling incoherently and never wear pants. Maybe she was onto something...

Ever since Mom's stroke of genius, I've had a lifetime of explaining that it's K-AL-EE, not Kelly or Kaylee and I've always had to spell it out for orders over the phone, reservations at a restaurant, everywhere. So that brings us up to speed and takes us to present day.

Today I had a hair appointment at Ulta. I walk in and there are two girls, one with blue, one with pink stripes in their hair. One is on the phone, one is doing nothing. Both look up and notice me, neither do anything. I don't respond well to being ignored so I sigh and put my purse on their counter. Blue Hair asks what my name is, so I tell her. "Kallie Parsons." She nods and starts to leave a message for whoever she'd been calling. I browse nail polishes aimlessly until she says "I'm sorry, you said it was Sasha?"

"Uhmm no, Kal-lie."

"Oh ok.....uhmmm is it Leah Jannoitz?"

"NO! KALLIE PARSONS."

"OH! Uhmmm uhhh, oh here it is, your name is weird!"

"Excuse me?"

"They spelled it weird in here, sorry it's spelled wrong, that's why I couldn't find it. They spelled it weird."

"You haven't even asked me how to spell it, how do you know it's misspelled? What if that's how I spell my name?!"

"Oh it's K-A-L-L-I-E. So weird!"

"That's how I spell my name. Did you really just tell me that my name is weird and wrong!?!"

"No, I didn't mean that..."

"Maybe I should go get my hair cut somewhere else!..."

"No, no, I'm sorry..."

"Whatever."

So with Blue Hair insulting my name, I'm now Captain Grumpers. If you have never been to a salon at Ulta, it's not like a normal salon. Ulta is essentially a makeup grocery store. So there's not a big waiting area or anything. There's just products and a store all around. So I started browsing random things that I really have no intention of buying, but they're nearby and I don't think I'll have to wait long. I see my stylist come around the corner with a guy who is talking her ear off. The stylists always walk their clients to the counter to check out, so I'm glad to see she's almost ready for me.

Mr. Chatty is a big Hawaiian looking guy. Pacific Islander at least. He's a chatterbox. This is coming from a chatterbox herself, this guy talks too much. I'm not listening to anything really, just annoy-edly browsing philosophy body washes waiting for him to shut the hell up and let me have my appointment time. Then suddenly I hear my stylist say "This coming from the guy who almost killed his brother." HELLO CONVERSATION! I'm all ears!

So now that I'm listening, he proceeds to tell Blue Hair the story of the time he almost killed his brother. It started out "Yeah, I almost chopped his head off!" My brain puts on the brakes and calls bullshit. But I tell my brain to be quiet because I know it's bullshit and I want to hear the rest of this imaginary story he's telling to impress girls. The story continued that one night at 3AM, his drunk brother had forgotten his keys to the house and had broken in via a window. Mr. Chatty woke up and heard this ruckus and grabbed his SWORD. My brain tells me, "Well no shit he has a sword, he's Asian, he's probably a ninja too!" This is because I work well with stereotypes. In fact I think they are a real timesaver.

Anyway, Mr. Chatty is now telling them that he was standing at the edge of his doorway and he's poised, ready to "chop the burglar's head off." He explains he HAD to arm himself with the sword since he doesn't know what the burglar is armed with. "I mean, he could have had a gun, but if I chopped his head off with my sword, he'd have no time to react." WHAT?! Maybe he really is a ninja! No, of course not, this is bullshit. But let's look at this scenario. Since when is a sword WAY better protection than a gun? If someone wanted to kill me and jumped out of the dark with a sword, I'd be like WTF do you have a sword for? Is this Kill Bill? Then run away while they chased me and tried to slash me with their sword. Now if they had a gun, I would run away immediately and probably be shot as I was running. They wouldn't even have to move. Guns>Swords.

He brags some more about how great his sword skills are and when Blue Hair gets bored enough to ask him what stopped him from chopping his brother's head off, he tells her "He made a grunt." HE MADE A FUCKING GRUNT. Grunting is NOT a recognizable trait! If I hear a grunt, it could be a bear, it could be a dinosaur, it could be my sister, or it could be a burglar. A guttural noise is not something I know instantly as belonging to a specific person. It is at this point when I realize that this douche is completely full of shit and the real story is he was probably lying motionless in bed hoping that the burglar was a T-Rex and it's vision was based on movement and he would remain unnoticed if he continued to stay perfectly still. Thankfully, this is when Pink Hair tells me I can go get settled in my stylists chair.

Of course it takes Mr. Chatty another 5 minutes to finally put away his fake stories and leave, during which two people come by and apologize for the wait. Later during my shampoo my stylist tells me that he likes to tell everyone he's "a professional drug dealer" because he works in a pharmacy. This douchey tid-bit seals it for me that he really is completely full of shit. So now I'm not Captain Grumpers anymore because I've successfully debunked a douchebag in my head, and I'm always proud when I prove people wrong, even if it's just secretly.

Douchebags never prosper.

Beacuse 140 Characters Is NEVER Enough

FINALLY. A place for me to come and share my many LOK stories that I just can't condense down to 2-3 140 character tweets. There will be many to come. We will even go back and revisit some classics, like the time I thought I was being robbed at the bank by a foreign guy, my cat's morning ritual, and other fantastical gems that make my life so fucking entertaining.

Right now I have to go to a lot that has a giant no trespassing sign on it, trespass by driving R/C cars around on it, then scurry back home to go get my haircut with a new hairdresser, then scurry over to a facial party. I'm sure one or two stories will happen and I promise if they're any good, I'll tell you all about them.

Just as a side note, but a pretty important one, nothing I write here will be made up. Every single thing I talk about will have actually happened. Unless it's a dream I had, in which case the dreamed events probably didn't happen, but the dream did, so it's semi-made up, but also semi-real.

I just love loopholes!